It could be the dawn of first light
or the curtained veil of the shimmery night,
To go or stay, to hold tight or let go,
if this were the only choice, I would pray,
and embrace both.

If I were to want for beauty,
of marshes and rain and the sole colour of spring,
I would dream on forever, imagining what I could not have,
what I could only draw from my thirsty mind,
and from a heart lost long to such desires.

But then I think the now would suffice,
I could trade all colours for those I know
They exist in such nameless forms in my mind,
even now as I speak of the present!
Come days and times that are yet to begin,
I should think,
Of what I have felt,
My eyes would behold.

That moment shall come,
Till then, the now would suffice.

so she loved

she, standing there right in the midst of a storm, would spread her arms, eyes closed, as if in prayer, and she would want to be numbed. she would want to stop feeling, she would question her own strength, and she would'nt feel strong. "this isnt how you should be feeling", they said, "your heart shoudnt be aching". she knew it too, yet she would give in to her own fears, fears and desires. like poison they would sear through her heart and reach her soul, and then her soul would reach out on instinct, as if to hold back someone..no, not just someone, him, always him. 
struggling through staggering breaths, she tries to steady herself. she pulls her shawl more tightly around her shoulders, the chill  reaching her bone-deep. she does not wish to leave, feeling as if a normal, quiet surrounding wouldnt understand her mind state, wouldn't participate, share...  The storm, falling leaves, swaying trees and the distinctly singing breeze are like a response to her warring mind, and she would feel comforted. 
but she cannot stand here forever, soon, too soon, even this storm will recover. As she turns to leave, stuck somewhere between badly wanting to leave, and never wanting to move at all, arms enfold her. The physical touch warms her every nerve, blood beginning to run like fire in her veins. she gasps in surprise, pure, wonderful, stunning beyond belief, surprise. And then, as the flood of barely suppressed emotions runs free, she sobs into his shoulder, grasping, holding on to him as if he were her only life support. She knows that touch, she would know it anywhere, so attuned was her soul to his, and so she does not raise up her eyes to meet his. He holds her tight, hanging on to her too. She wouldnt meet his eyes, but his fingers lightly pull her chin up, forcing her to meet his . The colour of a warm summer brown, they seem to burn in her pain.

He softly kisses her forehead, and despite herself, she smiles, a little shy now. Without need of words or explainations, they begin walking homeward. He holds her hand, keeping her close to him. No, he wouldnt lose her now, never. and so she walks with him, her broken heart mending with each step. 

innocent, scared eyes search the barren empty land,
it is quiet, dark, against the fiery drape of the night..
she takes her tiny steps,trembling ever so slightly,
little, hopeful palms out stretched..
O Mother, i can't find you!


she decides to wait for the first light,
she searches for a place to lie down,
but every corner, every nook is the same,
every distant hope a mirage..
O Mother, i am afraid!


the cold is keeping her from sleep,
her breath comes like a stranger,
she hugs herself for comfort,
the hands she longs for, do not come..
O Mother, hold me tight!


She opens her troubled eyes,
the soft daylight awakens her,
she is no longer cold, neither is she afraid,
it is the same land, it's barrenness unchangeable,
yet she smiles, staring into the heaven-clad skies..
O Mother! You thought of me!


onward she walks, her steps now sure, firm,
a fierce strength burning through her veins,
mirages no longer blur her path,
false hopes no longer hinder her motive..
O Mother, i will find you.

i want to fly, there is my sky right above,
i want to reach it, like waves it calls to me,
i want to smile, and feel that warm joy from every core of my heart,
when i smile, i want it to rain, and feel my pain drain away,
and when i feel, i want to feel free, i want to dream..


while i dream, i want to know it is real,
more real than my betrayed dreams have felt by the reality,
i want to love, to be proud to love, to know i am right,
i wish to be loved back...
but i want my delusions banished, and not feel the pain of it,
i want to shed that last tear, like turning over a new page,
from a book never meant to be read, only understood, forgotten..


i want to run through the vast field, wind playing with my hair,
i want to laugh,sing,pray, but to thank this time...
i want to never look back, there's darkness behind,
i will never see anything, and it will only scare me,
i want to believe in the power of Good, and know my path is right,


And i open my fist, i let the feather drift away...

speaking without words..

            They had been sitting for a long time. Idle, lazy night gently fluffed by snow flakes curled around them in a familiar, homely fashion. He sat staring straight ahead. He could feel her eyes on him, but he stayed still. He was not giving in tonight. It was her fault and she was going to have to deal with it, he thought stubbornly, it was her time to apologize, they could sit here this way all night if that's what it took. 
             She looked at him with pleading eyes. There was so much that she wanted to say, but it seemed, there just wasn't enough to make anything easier, anything to solve it. She longed to entwine their fingers, his stony silence pierced deep into her heart. She knew what her mistake was, she knew what it had cost him. But her apology stuck in her throat. She couldn't speak! He sat beside her like a stranger, like he was miles away and no matter how much she called or how loud she was, he just wouldn't hear her. That thought clawed at her like sudden suffocating darkness and she shivered, trembling which had nothing whatsoever to do with the cold.
            He may have seemed preoccupied, or lost in thought, but his every breath had been taken in measures so as not to miss any response from her. So it was not surprising that her trembling snatched his eyes, after a long time that night, towards her. His arm shot out protectively towards her, wrapping around her, all this without a conscious thought, as if his body simply responded to protect hers on it's own accord. When his mind caught up with what he had just done, he stiffened, then looked into her eyes. And at that moment everything else ceased to exist for him. It was her, it was him, and that was it. He watched as her eyes turned from fearful to shocked, to confused, and now they spoke of hurt, hurt so profound it gripped his heart. He could read the apology in them, he could feel her pain for his pain, he could understand her love. A small smile of acceptance playing around his lips, his fingers brushed her tears away, ever so lightly as if they were pearls, precious! He cursed himself for bringing this pain to her! No more, he swore to himself fiercely, no more would she suffer this way again..
          She was taken aback by his embrace, her heart fluttering so loudly she was surprised he couldn't hear it! She watched his eyes stiffen slightly, and that cut her more deeply than his earlier silence had. Through that storm of confusion and hurt, she pleaded silently, she pleaded to be forgiven, to be accepted again, to wipe the hurt off from his heart! She hadn't noticed that her tears had given way until she felt his fingers wiping them off gently. She looked into his eyes and felt his forgiveness, his love, his acceptance. It was like the air around her, invisible to everyone else, but she could feel it. And her world was complete, her heart was complete, she was complete...

On the flat landing she sat, watching the waves dance in turmoil, bringing filth of years to the shore. She mused absentmindedly how something should have been done about this. The absurd timing of this thought made her laugh aloud, the expression a stranger on her tightly held facial muscles. They had been held this rigidly for as long as she could remember now. It felt like years. She wasn't always like this. Unsmiling, so devoid of expressions. If she had been devoid of emotions too then that probably would have been rather easier to bear. And also would have made her less human. No, she had been different. So, so different. Another person. This thought made her ache inside. A feeling that should have brought tears to anyone's eyes. But she was special, practiced. Only the pain in  her eyes could ever give her away.


The sea always made her think. Too deeply for comfort.There went another peaceful night then! "oh screw it ", she muttered aloud. She jumped when the sudden break of silence caught her off guard. No, that wasn't it really. It was the harshness in the voice that startled her. A velvet voice once worshiped, her voice was now strained over long harsh periods of nothingness. Feeling had been sapped from it. It was soul-less. She pondered  on how changed she was, how unbearably different! It angered her to realize how she had lost herself overtime! The stony pretense she once prided herself upon now looked more like a self-inflicted defeat. Here, from the brink of nature, where everything changed it's course every single minute, it looked like she had given up! And at what cost! She quietened her thoughts, took a few calming breaths and returned to watching the murky waters. They splashed roughly as if in conflict. She smiled, yes, they seemed to understand. Few salt drops sprinkled onto her face when a particularly huge wave crashed with the cliff.


This seemed to loosen her hold on her mask. Miraculously, a little paleness coloured with her natural pink and almost magically soothed her nerves.Her heart started beating like it hadn't for what seemed like a lifetime. It thudded, as if joyous for return of reason. She held a hand to her chest and felt her heart, so deep within her ribs yet she could feel it burning with life. While she sat thus her surrounding changed colour. Nature indeed was playing along with her mood it seemed, she mused with a smile. The setting sun threw a palate of colours wherever it's rays fell, orange, red, pink.. The waters, now calm and steady, shimmered under the brilliant blanket of rays and warmed as if in  sleepy laziness. End of another day. But it felt like a beginning to her. Things were changing. She was changing. She was healing. Suddenly the warmth wasn't only outside, a separate warmth had ignited within her. A spark now, but it would grow, she knew. Tears stung her eyes and flowed earthward to join it's family. Hope burned under her skin and desire shaped her features human again.


Yes, a change was coming..

when your heart is heavy, it speaks out at last

some days you just feel like running away. quitting tempts you so much there is hardly anything else you can think about. too many problems? run. no easy solution within your periphery? hide. problem solved? no. there is never an easy way to anything and that much, we learn some way or the other, in the wackiest of situations. you can pretend the problem isn't bothering you, you can live that way. but how long? how far?


friends make up a second family. they do not have to be that close they just get more out of your life than your own family does. and yet some choose to leave. some decide they have had enough. that they cannot any longer find a reason good enough to stick around with you. or maybe they just never valued you. or maybe you were never a friend just a convenience. yes, that hurts. all this enough to brew a whole storm of negativity within you, to prickle your hurt ego, to harden you in defiance. as undoubtedly natural as this is, it gets you nowhere. learn to live with it. smile when you remember the good times. make peace with the bad memories. leave no place for regret, life is just too short to be wasted in tears of the past ;)