On the flat landing she sat, watching the waves dance in turmoil, bringing filth of years to the shore. She mused absentmindedly how something should have been done about this. The absurd timing of this thought made her laugh aloud, the expression a stranger on her tightly held facial muscles. They had been held this rigidly for as long as she could remember now. It felt like years. She wasn't always like this. Unsmiling, so devoid of expressions. If she had been devoid of emotions too then that probably would have been rather easier to bear. And also would have made her less human. No, she had been different. So, so different. Another person. This thought made her ache inside. A feeling that should have brought tears to anyone's eyes. But she was special, practiced. Only the pain in  her eyes could ever give her away.


The sea always made her think. Too deeply for comfort.There went another peaceful night then! "oh screw it ", she muttered aloud. She jumped when the sudden break of silence caught her off guard. No, that wasn't it really. It was the harshness in the voice that startled her. A velvet voice once worshiped, her voice was now strained over long harsh periods of nothingness. Feeling had been sapped from it. It was soul-less. She pondered  on how changed she was, how unbearably different! It angered her to realize how she had lost herself overtime! The stony pretense she once prided herself upon now looked more like a self-inflicted defeat. Here, from the brink of nature, where everything changed it's course every single minute, it looked like she had given up! And at what cost! She quietened her thoughts, took a few calming breaths and returned to watching the murky waters. They splashed roughly as if in conflict. She smiled, yes, they seemed to understand. Few salt drops sprinkled onto her face when a particularly huge wave crashed with the cliff.


This seemed to loosen her hold on her mask. Miraculously, a little paleness coloured with her natural pink and almost magically soothed her nerves.Her heart started beating like it hadn't for what seemed like a lifetime. It thudded, as if joyous for return of reason. She held a hand to her chest and felt her heart, so deep within her ribs yet she could feel it burning with life. While she sat thus her surrounding changed colour. Nature indeed was playing along with her mood it seemed, she mused with a smile. The setting sun threw a palate of colours wherever it's rays fell, orange, red, pink.. The waters, now calm and steady, shimmered under the brilliant blanket of rays and warmed as if in  sleepy laziness. End of another day. But it felt like a beginning to her. Things were changing. She was changing. She was healing. Suddenly the warmth wasn't only outside, a separate warmth had ignited within her. A spark now, but it would grow, she knew. Tears stung her eyes and flowed earthward to join it's family. Hope burned under her skin and desire shaped her features human again.


Yes, a change was coming..

when your heart is heavy, it speaks out at last

some days you just feel like running away. quitting tempts you so much there is hardly anything else you can think about. too many problems? run. no easy solution within your periphery? hide. problem solved? no. there is never an easy way to anything and that much, we learn some way or the other, in the wackiest of situations. you can pretend the problem isn't bothering you, you can live that way. but how long? how far?


friends make up a second family. they do not have to be that close they just get more out of your life than your own family does. and yet some choose to leave. some decide they have had enough. that they cannot any longer find a reason good enough to stick around with you. or maybe they just never valued you. or maybe you were never a friend just a convenience. yes, that hurts. all this enough to brew a whole storm of negativity within you, to prickle your hurt ego, to harden you in defiance. as undoubtedly natural as this is, it gets you nowhere. learn to live with it. smile when you remember the good times. make peace with the bad memories. leave no place for regret, life is just too short to be wasted in tears of the past ;)

little somethings

Small things make up the draft of my life, my people touch up and right there is my masterpiece! Those late night phone calls, texting away despite your eyelids getting really heavy. spending an entire day with your insane friends yet going through the night missing each and everyone of them wishing they were with you again. hell, it doesnt even dawn on me at that 3 am moment when all my brain needs is a rest, that i will be seeing those freaks the very next day again! excuse the utter cheesiness of this blog my sleep deprived mind speaks about things it thinks about the most,so really, it deserves some credit for all the effort :P  my friends have clicked away photos that make up half my waking life (the sleeping one too but lets just leave it at that for the moment) and there's my time capsule when half a century later i'll be wondering where the hell these creeps are and again, they will probably coming over for a routine sunday dinner. Somehow you just never get used to how perfect your imperfect life is with friends who can make living easy AND difficult all at the same time (bless them!).
If i had a dream, and were i given an option to live it, i wonder where i'll be,as of now, this, right here and right now, is my dream, and the most successful one <3

my namesake

No, she is more than that, way more! A best friend, a sister, family, pick whichever she is all of it. When I took my first uncertain steps into a life i was yet unused to, she was the backbone that held me into place and shaped me into who i am. Never letting me fail, never letting me give up, she was a mother when for my mistakes she reprimanded, she was a sister when i felt lonely, and she was that friend when my heart needed talking to.


I have grown, matured, and turned from a dependent, arrogant kid to an independent (well, pretty much :P), mature person and yet there is that same out-of-place child in me who still needs her for every small decision i make. My shelter when rain bombarded me and my sky when i needed to fly, she is my shadow,forever a part of me. I may not have told her this too often, but i love her more than she thinks i do. She is someone who touches everyone's life and leaves something back with them to remember her by. A beautiful memory, a precious moment of laughter,few tears if she is missed, few tears again when she comes back, she is my idol! She is that pride in me, and she is that humbleness in me. She is my tolerance, and she is my courage to strike back. She is me.


I dedicate this blog to my best friend Shruti Mani.


p.s I love you!

my grass bed

I sit cross-legged upon the grass bed,
it knew me once, as a child i would come here,
it now cradles my memories, some i had forgotten,
some it now reminds me..


Here my father brought me,
his head held high with pride,
i had taken my first tiny steps,
half falling, half staggering,here on the grass bed,
as it now reminds me..


Here i sat, my friends, the sky a summer blue,
when the best doll made my best friend everyone's favorite,
my little jealousy, my innocent tears, there the grass bed sat with me,
watched me wipe away my tears, amused when i threw my friend's doll,
 i was just a child! it now reminds me..


Here on the grass bed i sit, my life stretched out before me,
my happiness, sadness, love, hatred, jealousy, loneliness and my calm,
They exist with me, the toddler who first learnt to walk, the child who
had yet to see the world beyond her cocoon, they are in my decisions,
my acts, my breakdowns, and in my strengths.. They make me who I am,
as the companion of my memories, the grass bed, now reminds me...

Live in the present, the past is buried and the future is waiting ;)

there is a heaven right above me,

it gives me the peace that life has taken away,

it gives me the courage people have drained away,

it is a part of me, beyond the reach of my evils.

I let it shine through me,

when shadows of darkness walk by my side,

i let that world remain close to me,

for without darkness, who will ever know light?

if i lose myself in the clutches of the world,

it will take me down right where it has fallen,

without guilt it strives to live,

without innocence it hopes to rise.

If i find this heaven, someday,

it may renew my hope of tomorrow,

my past may then be the learning i needed,

and my present can smile in it's triumphant freedom..

A smile is all that it takes to turn a perfectly normal day into a miracle ;)

Funny stuff happens everyday. Places get blown off. Floods happily come unannounced and people drown. A terrorist lives in better conditions AND more securely than majority of our never-ending population. Yet some people seem to have bigger issues.

1) Uncivilised , troubled, savage women bursting through the train doors at morning time like hungry rhinos tempted with their life's worth of food. Insensitivity runs at it's best when these extremely violent women start bickering over who took who's place and whose foot got stamped on. So, it seems, someone else getting to stand at your spot near the train entrance is an issue the government should FIRST deal with.

2) We students spend half our awake, active ALIVE time finishing lectures then practicals THEN assignments and yet, according to our oh-so-superior professors, we are failed cases, good for nothing and lack, with their own apparently logical definition, hard work. So spending half their already bugged up lives coming up with new ways to screw students is, apparently, a very fruitful way to pass time.

3) A whole country is drowning in it's own water and all the canteen vendor seems to be worried about is whether i paid for the extra mentos i took, which, by the way, i did. So after a deep meaningful argument about whether or not i had paid for that blessed mint, i paid a little extra and left. Honestly,getting to see the absolute glee on the man's face at having successfully won that Rs1 was almost worth all that mess.

4) Entirely drenched despite an umbrella when you try shifting yourself in a better position and accidentally brush someone's perfectly combed hair, it is justified that you get a go-die look thrown at you, irritated grumbling and an embarrassment on your part. That poor hungry kids are dying on streets, not a problem. THAT's for someone else to deal with. But oh!ONE strand of hair getting wet is an emergency.

After being through ALL that muck when i return home in a state where all I am hoping is that nothing else goes crappy, i get that beautiful smile from my grandmother and suddenly all my complaints are not just gone but also answered. People fret over nonsensical issues even when in immediate danger because that's life and you don't stop living only because you are threatened to.

A moment to think

Sleep has deserted me and a thought keeps clawing in my mind. Am I really doing what i want to with my life, is there something i have yet to discover about myself, am i happy with how things have taken shape? There is a shade missing on my canvas and i simply cannot stop thinking what it might be. It would be so easy if life just gave away all the secrets and you could have it right to your face what you wanted. Or maybe it's there all along and you fear to face it. So many questions! Ah hell, i decide to drown them all down a cup of hot chocolate :) I figure, maybe life just likes sick jokes..or possibly it's just being nice and preparing me for what's to come. Either way, surprises are always entertaining! Hmm...questions not answered...but from myself..so far..i guess the best i can hope for ;)


More than noticing, i feel the wave reach it's salvation..
On the shore I sit, holding myself..
It dawns on me, follies of the human heart,
After all. alone we come, alone we go,
yet we love....